Chia Pet-

There are days as a single parent when I swear I can feel the gray hair sprouting through my scalp. I’m like an old man chia-pet. It’s as if I woke up one morning and my angel daughter had borrowed the cloak of an imp, and somehow found a remote control that could mute out my voice. The funny thing about ‘mute’ is that no matter how loud the person on TV is yelling, they still can’t be heard. All the little imps in their shiny black cloaks have a big laugh about that one. “Look at how red we can make their faces!!” they sneer. Ahhh…. to be a tool for a moment in our child’s comedy of power.

Power struggles. I’ll bet that not a day goes by without some form of a power struggle (overt or covert) between parents and their kids. It’s the way we were raised. Parents say: Do “this”, or I will enforce “that” punishment. Kids say: “Naaaaa, I think I like my idea better”. And so the tug of war ensues.

I know that on some utopian planet, parents and kids are getting along effortlessly with one another. There, power struggles are learned of only through fireside stories about their less-evolved ancestors who blew themselves up many millennia ago. We fellow earthlings seem destined to quarrel until we either have an epiphany like our distant neighbors, or until we blow ourselves up fighting one another. In the meantime, how can we manage some of this turmoil in our homes a little bit better?

• Make time for yourself. This statement should be tattooed backwards on every single-parent’s forehead. When we take the time to recharge our batteries, we have more to offer our darling children. When we neglect our own needs, the little things our kids do to bug us become more significant than need be. Think about it for a second. It is a win-win for all involved if we spoil ourselves a little bit every day (or week). Take your guilt and put it in the trash. Your kids need you to fulfill your needs!

• Play with your kid. Sounds too simple, I know. But getting down on their level and sharing the moment with them allows them to feel your love, interest and care. They will appreciate you for it and it will help discharge emotional tensions between you. How?? By connecting with your kid on their level, you are giving them what they need (your attention), plain and simple. When we get what we need, tension often releases from many areas of our lives simultaneously.

• Ok, here’s a weird one. Roll-play. Allow your kid to boss you around every once in a while for fun. This will force you to drop into “kid zone” and permit them to act out some of their unexpressed frustration playfully. Not only can this give them a sense of power that they are not used to, it could enable you to see yourself as a parent more clearly through their actions. While you play, pay special attention to what comes up. Allow them the freedom to play however they want (within reason, of course). Remember, THEY are the boss during this time, not you. Try it for 10 minutes at a time and see how it feels.

Next time the push & pull of those power struggles starts to make you feel like a gray-haired chia-pet, try out one of these ideas. If while reading this post you thought of some ideas of your own, great! Take action on them! It is nice to know that when we hit a wall, we don’t have to keep running back into it. There are always steps we can take in the moment to navigate around our challenges.

See you next time!

Kickin it in the minivan~

Check this out for a laugh~

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ql-N3F1FhW4

Duty~

Nearly every night I lay next to my 7 year-old-daughter until she falls asleep.  Sometimes we talk (or she does).  Sometimes we’ll read to each other.  And sometimes we get goofy.  Last night was a goofy night.

After recapping all 97 minutes of the movie “The Princess and the Frog”, she turned to me and asked, “What are we going to do tomorrow daddy?”  “Well”, I said “after we check out the estate sale, and go to Target for a phone for me and some shoes for you, I thought we could go adopt your new kitten”.  “Yaaaaaaayyyyy!” squealed Miranda.

She has been begging me for a kitten for over a year.  My answer was always, “Until the carpet that kitty is peeing on is ours, you’ll have to wait”.  So now we have our own house…and carpet, and soon she’ll have her new kitty.

“Aren’t you excited Daddy?  I am so excited to get a kitten!  Aren’t you?” Miranda beamed.  “Yes and no, honey”, I said.  “Why no??” she asked, confused.  “Well, to be honest with you babe, I’m worried that the new kitten is going to make us fight a lot.”  “What?”  Her head swiveled.  “Why?”  She asked.  “Because there is more to a kitty than purring and prettiness” I replied.  “There’s poop.  And if I am always reminding you to clean it up, I’m not gonna like it at all.  Poop stinks, you know.  And you have to clean the kitty’s box twice a day or else…well, you get the picture.”  Miranda replied, “I promise Daddy.  I will be responsible for cleaning up after my kitty.  I PROmise.”  A few moments of silence followed.

During that silence I was thinking about the logistics of her caring for 2 cats.  I got Miranda a 4-year-old cat named Mr. Kitty last Spring.  But Mr. Kitty decided that Miranda was a little bit too much for him and chose me to be his best bud.  So I have been taking care of his messes without much help from the kiddo since we got him.  I decided that it would only be fair to Miranda if I shared the responsibility with her.  And that’s when things got out of hand.

“Miranda, honey…I’ve got it.”  I said.  “Got what?”  She replied.  “We can share the duty…” Her face contorted into a snorting giggle.  I quickly realized that her little vocabulary held only one definition for a word that sounded like ‘dootie’, and I too was swept into the laughter.

Once I caught my breath, I asked, “You don’t know what that word means do you?”  “Nope!”  She cackled.  “Think of your teacher at school.”  I explained.  “Okay.”  Miranda bit her lip.  “Your teacher’s duty is to…” And there she went again, exploding into laughter about her teacher’s “dootie”, and I tumbled right along with her.  We choked on recycled laughter for the next several minutes, gasping for air on occasion.  Needless to say, she didn’t fall asleep as easily as other nights.

Thank God for moments like those.  Those moments will punctuate our timelines with such warmth and joy that when we look back 10 years from now we can’t help but get wrapped up in the good feelings.   Not to mention how therapeutic that kind of laughter can be.  I bet I saved myself a few thousand dollars in therapy during those funny 15 minutes.

I bet you have stories to share like the one above.  What if you took a few minutes and jotted down some of those memories?  How cool would it be to look back on them in 5 or 10 years?  Maybe it would grow into a small book, like a photo album that you could share with your family and friends on occasion. Hey…that’s not a bad idea!  I think I’ll start mine right now.  See you next time~

Shifting Attention

Since my last post, Miranda and I (and Mr. Kitty) have moved from the beautiful mountains of Boulder, CO to Dallas, TX.  I grew up here and my wonderful family still lives here.  I decided that while the mountains of Colorado might soothe my soul, they can’t help me raise my kid.  We are now settled and Miranda is making fast friends at her new school.

Whew!  What a trip it has been for the both of us.  You talk about an opportunity to look at how the stress of a major life change affects your parenting.  I’m lucky she’s so resilient.  If she’d had any emotional meltdowns during the transition, I think I would have been about as present with her as one of her stuffed unicorns.  No seriously, it was hard.

As a single parent you have so much on your plate.  There’s so much pressure.  You try your best to be good parent while juggling all the mundane tasks of maintaining some semblance of a home.  Then there’s the homework, meals, and bedtime stories.  And in the middle of it all they ask you one of those juicy questions that sends off an alarm in your head- “ALERT, ALERT! She/he really needs all of your attention on this one!”  After a quick deep breath, you pull yourself into the moment to explain why mommy or daddy is not around, or why people take drugs, or what God is, or________.

You do your best.  You do your very best in the moment.  Unfortunately there’s no one around to pat you on the back for it.  So instead, on a bad day, you punish yourself for all the things you didn’t do. You convince yourself that you should have responded differently to his/her question.  You kick yourself for losing your temper and for being angry with your child.  And then you judge yourself for being an “inadequate” parent.  Instead of feeling proud of everything you’re tackling, you remind yourself how bad you are at all of this.  As if the day wasn’t long enough.

A beloved mentor of mine once relayed an invaluable teaching to me.  “What is the only thing you have control over in your life?” he posed.  “Is it time?  Money?  Other people?  It is none of those”, he said.  “The only thing you have any control over EVER is where you place your attention.”  Think about that for a second.  You can’t control your children (sorry ;-)) or any other person for that matter.  You cannot change the reality of death.  Money and opportunities flow in and out of your life.   You can only control where you place your attention.  The deeper implications of this are incredible.

The next time your mind is criticizing your parenting, pull in a couple of deep breaths.  How much are you paying attention to that critic? Allow yourself to be aware of the distinction between the critical thoughts and the one who is listening.  As strange as it sounds, the one who is listening is YOU.  Those judging thoughts are echoes from an automated program your mind picked up in the past.  You won’t get anywhere defending yourself against it, so don’t bother trying to press ‘stop’ on that track.  Tune into some better music by shifting your attention to something else.

Here are some ideas:

• Talk to a friend who can help you feel your worth (or help you laugh at your own antics)
• Listen to some upbeat music.
• Work on a creative project.
• Exercise
• Relax – soak in the tub.
• <Your idea here>

Our biggest obstacle to happy parenting lies inside our own skulls.   The small steps we take each day will pay off dividends in the weeks to come.  See you next time~

(Sending gratitude to my mentor Jeffery Ellis 1948-2003.  The seeds you planted have sprouted and matured. Here, they are born again through me.)

PRESENCE

“Daddy”, I looked up from my computer to see my beautiful 7 yr. old daughter, towel wrapped with drenched blond hair walking toward me. “I miss mommy”, she said. I pushed back my chair and let her climb into my arms, her hair soaking my shirt. “I know baby”, I said sadly. “I know”. We sat quietly in meaningful embrace while silent tears rolled down her face.

I gave up the search for words that might help Miranda understand some time ago. I guess I realized that if I ever found any, they’d be lies; well-intended lies trying to make sense out of something neither of us could understand. Miranda hasn’t seen her mom for 19 months. Not since her mom got in trouble with the law and lost in her addiction. She traded both of her children for meth.

We sat hugging in silence for a minute or so, and then she pushed off my chest to look into my eyes. I paused for a moment and then crossed my eyes, allowing my left eye to move out and then back, and then out and back again. “Daddy!” she giggled, “How do you do that?” She gave me a big kiss and then left my office to get ready for bed. I could hear her singing some 2nd grader’s (probably inappropriate) version of “Yankee Doodle” just moments later in the other room.

Miranda has been through more at 7 years old than I had by the time I was 20. Her resilience and consistent sweetness amazes me. She teaches me the value of being in the present moment.

The needs of our children can seem so complicated to us. Sometimes they appear downright overwhelming. But the truth is, their biggest need is wonderfully simple. Aside from their basic survival and social needs, our children are silently begging for us to be present with them, in the moment.

Talking to them while glancing up from the TV or iPhone won’t cut it. Chatting in the car while shuffling them to their various activities is not quite it. More than any gift our money can buy, they need as much presence as we can muster in any given moment. They need to feel our attention, unwavering and devoted to them. What we say or do in those moments is nearly insignificant compared to the non-verbal validation of our love for them.

“How can I do this more often?” you may wonder.  Here’s a thought: Allow yourself to become aware of your breathing. As you do this, allow your breath to deepen a bit. Continue this process for a minute or more- in and out, in and out. You may start to notice that while you are paying attention to your breathing, you also hear the usual chatter that goes on in your mind. Allow your thoughts to ramble on, like chatty neighborhood children passing by your house as you relax on the porch. As soon as you become aware of your breathing and thoughts, you are IN the moment. Spend 10 minutes a day (or more if you can) playing with this.

As you practice this in the company of your children, you will start to notice things about them that you may have temporarily forgotten, such as how beautiful they are, or funny, or how deep your love truly is for them. You may have a great idea on something fun you can do together, or you might hone in on a need of theirs that has been overlooked. Whatever you experience will be unique to you, and it will be just right.

Remember, every minute you spend connected to your child in the present moment, you feed them the most important sustenance of their life… your love. See you next time!